I will never shy away from sharing of my loss. And I am not sorry if I cause discomfort.
Miscarriage is a very silent loss. It is a very wrenching loss. It is a very soul-crying loss.
Miscarriage takes you from elation to depression sometimes within weeks.
Today I read many articles of women, very prolific writers, phew! Writers that bore their souls of their miscarriage losses. From first trimester to 16 weeks.
From listeria infections to sudden delivery.
Women that never shared the loss with their children. And then some that, for some unknown reason, started the conversation in the car on the way to school.
I am sure many of us (especially if you are around my age) can recall the episode from Friends when Rachel, Monica, and Phoebe are in the bathroom during the reception of Monica and Chandler’s wedding.
And the two girls, Phoebe and Monica, had given Rachel another pregnancy test to take to see if she really was or wasn’t pregnant.
Phoebe read the results, “She (Rachel) was not pregnant.”
Rachel cried. And said she was happy. And that it was for the best…
Of course, Phoebe was not telling the truth. She wanted to see how Rachel really felt. And, obviously, Rachel felt a great loss once she thought she was not pregnant.
Now, let’s leave fiction and enter reality.
The character of Rachel shared the heart of many. THAT pregnancy test. That pee stick. That unsanitary little thing carries a great weight.
And as soon as we see the sign “Positive” our lives change.
Our beings change. Our hands fly to our bellies. We smile secretly to ourselves, appearing looney to the rest of the world watching random woman lady walking around with dreamy smile on her face.
We envision blue. And then pink. And then blue. And then pink.
We have already calculated how far along and potential birth dates before even the first doctor’s appointment.
Names. I am sure that is the first Google search you did as soon as you got back on your computer, after the due date, before the Chinese gender calendar.
Names. Beautiful names. Crazy names. Trendy names. Old names. New names. World names. Names and their meanings. Social Security popularity on names.
And twins?! I mean, after all, can’t you recall someone, somewhere in your family that had twins? Therefore, what would the doctor share with you? It’s TWINS!
Whether you lost your baby 24 hours after your positive pregnancy test or 12 weeks later…In those potentially 24 hours you knew you had your baby growing inside of you, you conquered the internet. You looked at What to Expect-type websites. You saw where the baby was and how you would grow, and you secretly tucked your favorite name away, knowing that even if you had to fight for it, that special name would become a part of your baby in some way, sort or form…Soon. If 9 months is considered soon.
Miscarriage. It rips the very soul out of you.
And even the most gut-wrenching cries cannot bring back what you want the most. The realization of your baby. In your arms. In the 9th month. Like it should be.
Miscarriage. It is a devastating end to what was once a beautiful beginning.
My husband? For him it still continues, too.
Two years after our miscarriage, my husband and I were in our car on our way to church. Church is one hour away. My husband is the pastor of the church.
We were on our way. On the highway. We were driving.
It hit my husband. The loss. The great, great, tremendous loss.
And as we were driving in the car at 80mph, he started to cry. The car started veering.
Sobs. Gut-wrenching sobs were escaping the soul of his being. Tears that he had always stifled to be strong for his wife that suffered so much physically with the loss and hemorrhaging and emergency D and C to remove the placenta.
He was so strong for so long. And then two years later, our son Maxwell nearly died. And then Maxwell lived.
And then all of it hit Richard. On the way to church. In the car. Traveling 80mph.
And we nearly wrecked the car. He had to pull over on the abandoned highway. And I had to sit there. Stunned.
I sat there as Richard shouted at God. “Why?”
I sat there as Richard shared his guilt. He was in America when our baby’s heart stopped beating.
I sat there as Richard cried. And cried. And cried.
I didn’t know what to do. And that is probably exactly how he felt as I lived through my time of tears. He probably didn’t know what to do.
Miscarriage. The silent shame?
Miscarriage. The silent pain.
The pain of loss. Such tremendous loss. For the mom. For the dad. For the brothers and sisters.
For those that love you. For you yourself.
No one knows what to do.
And that is probably why miscarriage remains such a silent topic.
Because what can you say about a baby that you loved and barely knew? Except to the very core of your being you did know. Just as well as you know the other children you have.
I read once that a rainbow baby is a baby that follows the storm of loss. Just like a beautiful rainbow shines after the rain.
And I loved what I read.
So, today, I am here to say. Miscarriage.
It is a loss that guts your soul. And you feel it forever.
But miscarriage also taught me about life. The beautiful value of how precious and yet fleeting life is.
I had never valued life so much until our baby lost it.
And then we, through the storm, saw our rainbow.
Eventually a double rainbow.
And their names are Maxwell Loren (2 years and a few months old now) and Josephine Diane (9 months old).
Our baby we never got to meet. Sam. Simply Sam.
And despite the beauty of our rainbows, there is not a day that goes by that we don’t reflect upon the gorgeous life of our Sam.
For Sam was our storm. And Sam was our watering. And Sam was our awakening.
Our awakening to compassion.
And to life.
Sam. Oh how I miss the baby I barely had. Then I look at my rainbow babies and I smile. I smile at them while remembering Sam. It’s as if there will never be one without the others.
Just like there will never be a rainbow without a storm.
And 3+ years later, I can smile. Sadly smile.
The ultrasound of my perfect baby alive in my mind. The heartbeat-strong. The feeling of life-there.
And yet time has passed and life has changed. And we have double rainbow blessings…
But today, Dear Sam, I raise my life and voice for you. And for all women like myself. And for all men like my husband. And for all siblings like my Adelyne.
And I say loudly, without shame, you are loved deeply…even if it is only our hearts that get to hold you.
You were our storm.
But everyone knows—water is necessary for life.
And that is what you were. A life. A beautiful life.
Thank you, Sam. Simply Sam.
Now, I am off to kiss my babies. My rainbows after our storm. And I am going to inhale deeply their scents.
And maybe even cry a little.
Because the world does spin, but my heart remains the same.
Mother. To Sam.
No matter, I will go to bed with a smile. Because my storm was beautiful. And mine. And forever I am changed.
So despite death. I was taught life.
And I am happy about that.
Because life is beautiful. Just like our storm.