Encouragement for your Momma or Daddy soul …

Encouragement for your momma or daddy soul …

We are a little bit crazy at our home and I was having a moment – like – Oh, no! We’re too crazy. I hope I’m not setting such a poor example for my kids that they won’t grow to love Jesus. (We are a bit wild 😜)

So, I said to Ada, “Ada, I am so sorry! Do I give you too much freedom or make too many poor mommy choices so that you’ll grow and not love Jesus? Because he’s the most important person you’ll ever meet/need in your life.”

She looked at me and said, “Mom, I love Jesus!”

Just like that.

In all my craziness of life and mommy-ing —- She loves Jesus.

And parenting is hard and greatly imperfect and an adventure. And you always always second guess everything that you say or do.

And most of what you do is slightly wrong 😉

But – Momma! But – Daddy!

Your kid is going to be a-okay.

In the end, we do our best and pray the greatest prayer we can …

May our precious babies love Him.

Because, in the end, He has them way more than we do.

Xo b

Cheap Love



Sometimes we believe that love must be extravagant.  

Cost a lot.

Be grand expressions with public displays.

But sometimes the greatest love is cheap.  And hidden.  Private.  Sentimental.  Yet shared.

We go through books with our daughter where we write notes or secret messages with invisible ink or dot and dash coded messages. And we fill up her books with short but daily messages that let her know we are thinking about her all the time.

One book was waiting for her every day when she returned from school.

She’d run through the door, throw her backpack down, grab the book, and decipher the invisible or coded message.

And then she’d return it that evening with a message of her own.

Right now she is getting a Second-Breakfast Book.  It’s a running love note from her daddy. It’s a running love note from me- her mommy. And it’s inserted into her snack box so that every day at school she sees our love for her.

Sometimes when she doesn’t finish her 2nd breakfast at school, I see her eating it at home, going through each page of the book, giggling and smiling simultaneously.  

They will forever be ingrained into my mind. Into the innermost part of my heart and soul.

Love—sometimes expressions of it may not cost a lot—but the effects of it are more than any diamond in any crown on any queen around the world because they show my daughter she’s priceless to me!

Giggle. What are these?

My daughter can read in Polish.  Therefore, it’s not the words on the label that threw her off this evening as she went grocery shopping with me.

But what happened was so cute.  We were walking down the aisle while I was checking my grocery list.  When we came where I needed to stop, my daughter giggled and asked, “What are those?!”

I looked at what drew such curious giggling from my daughter and began giggling on my own.

Glancing at her innocent, adorable face and said, “They’re eggs!”

“But they’re white,” she proclaimed.

“Why, yes they are.  Yes, they are.”

Far, far away from the land famous for white eggs, aka America, white eggs here in Poland are a novelty not quite known how to be perceived.

I LOVE MY GAL!

And to top off the trip, she wore an ace bandage on her hand and wrapped her arm in her scarf like a sling.

Just because.

She also threw on her high-heeled (for a 9-year-old) turquoise shoes with no socks.  Believe me—it’s cold outside.

And off we went.  To the grocery store together.

Where she, my precious Adelyne, discovered white eggs.

And where we, mother and daughter, both left with the giggles!

Photos of our Dancing Ada…Sweet Adelyne!

Here is our Sweet Adelyne!

xoxo from here to there,
b

The above photos are of the dance that Adelyne and 3 others performed while 2 of the students sang the song.  Adelyne was so excited—but she couldn’t believe that she had to dance with a BOY!  Ah the fun of being a kid.

This dance was choreographed by Adelyne and her friends.  They were so excited to create a dance and perform their very own creation for the grandparents.  They did a FANTASTIC job and looked as cute as could be in the process (these are also Adelyne’s best friends at school).

Here the headmaster of the school is welcoming the grandparents of the 1 and 3 grade classes to the presentation (It was the 1st and 3rd grade classes that performed).

The students that were not in the dances were in the play Little Red Riding Hood (especially fitting since there is a grandma in the play, right?).  They were phenomenal and OH SO CUTE!

Guess who was the biggest fan of the entire show?  JOSEPHINE!  She watched almost the entire play and the dances and all of the songs like this:

Anyhow—hope you enjoyed the photos.  If you didn’t have a chance to watch the YouTube videos of the dances, I hope that you’ll click on the link and go right to them.  They are as cute as can be.

(Of course, my camerawork is a bit shaky considering I am also monitoring a very mobile 1 year old at the same time)

The dancing ballerinas:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nv5gdDUUzMo

The dancing gals:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ygYbewb2BoY

I forgot to feed my daughter. And we sent her to a counselor.

Living in a different country, in a village, where hardly any English is spoken is a bunch of fun. Especially when you forgot the differences of the beginning of the school year.

Things that are quite important like…

Oh, packing your daughter’s lunch for her.

You see. I forgot that they don’t start serving school lunches the first day of school. I even made sure to tell my husband, “Richard, make sure to go and pay for school lunches so Adelyne will have money on her account.”

So, Richard went to pay for lunches. The lunch lady said, “Oh, no worries. Pay by September 15th.”

And we thought, “Wow. What a relaxed country. How nice!”

Little did I remember (until well past lunch time) that they don’t serve school lunches that day.

AHHHH! Well, good thing I packed Adelyne a cookie to snack on. Oh, and Smarties because, after all, it was the first real day of school and I wanted to remind her to be a “Smarty”. Smarties are like M&Ms. Therefore, technically, she did have two things to eat. Both sugary. But I guess sugar worked well enough. She made it through the day 😉 And, yes, she came home HUNGRY.

To make it up to her, I had bought her favorite French pastries for her arrival home…apple! She was so happy to see them and devoured them quickly.

But forgetting her lunch was not all. Somehow, lost in translation, was the fact that she would need PE clothes to change in and out of.  She did, however, change her shoes from outside shoes to hallway shoes.

So, let me set this all straight:

She was the only student that did not have a lunch.

She also was the only student that did not change clothes after PE.

And she was the only student that DID change her shoes from outside shoes to hallway shoes back to outside shoes.

That’s it.  Three strikes.  We definitely struck out.

But in spirit and adventure and smiles, we still won.  Adelyne came home completely happy to have been at school and back amongst her friends in Poland.

Now for the counselor…

Before we returned to Poland, my husband and I were completely breathless, having near panic attacks, worried about Adelyne’s return to Poland.  After all, we had been living in the beautiful and glorious USA for the past year and a half.  That’s a very long time for a child.  Especially when you go from 1st grade to 3rd grade.  The maturity at 8 that was not there at 6 is astounding.  Her entire being is different now.  And school in Polish.  Eek!  The language is so difficult.

And, so, we, trying to be and ahead of the game parents, decided to set up a back-to-Poland counseling appointment.  Hoping that it would be 1 of 3 appointments.

We met with the counselor and spoke to her about our concerns and told her about Adelyne.  She was extremely perceptive.  Probably a great trait in a counselor, eh?  And we scheduled the time for her to meet one-on-one with the counselor.

Adelyne was told that she was going to meet a lady that she could share openly with her feelings about returning to Poland, or anything else that laid heavy on her heart.

She seemed okay with it.  So off we went.

Now, here’s the funny part, the lady that we sent Adelyne to is specifically a counselor for children.  She has toys and crafts and art supplies galore in her office so that the children can play and talk at the same time, keeping the atmosphere very safe for them.

Well, Adelyne decided to sit on the couch across from her and speak the entire time.  You see, Adelyne was an only child for 6 and 1/2 years.  And for that entire time, she has helped us build a foundation for the poor in Poland.  Meaning, she has spent the majority of her life in meetings or doing grown-up stuff.

The counselor was funny.  She said, “It’s the first time a child has sat on the couch the entire counseling session.  It made me a bit uncomfortable.”

Haha.  A piece of the counselor’s own medicine—being on the other side of the couch, eh?   (But I say that in respectful love because I truly believe greatly in good and Godly counseling and hold the utmost respect for the counselor herself)

Back to the counseling session.  Adelyne shared a lot.  The counselor after spoke with me about what was said and her advice on how Richard and I could help with the transition back to Poland.  Overall, it was a beautifully great and helpful session.

And with everything in my being, I had intended to take Adelyne in for 2 more sessions before our move back to Poland.

One session to address the difficulties Richard and I had in our marriage the past year that she was witness to.

The next how she felt when Maxwell was sick (Our son is a NICU and then later an ICU, blood transfusion, and coma survivor).

So, you see, there is a lot that a little 8 year old could share with a counselor.  And I had really wanted to get her back…

But life got in the way of my best intentions.  My husband was once again out of the country for a month.  I was packing and moving a house without him.  My daughter had daily dive lessons.  And I have 2 wee ones that were even wee-r at the time (if there is such a word).

All of this means we did not get back to the counselor despite my heart telling me it was so needed.

And then we went and did it.  Moved back to Poland.  And we began to settle back into our lives of living in a foreign country and all that entails (which is  lot on its own).

Happy, happy, happy has my daughter been.  And then it hit!

Bam!

Maxwell, our son, had a horrible allergic reaction to something.  His face swelled up, his eye was swelling closed, the red was creeping along his neck.

He looked horrible, felt horrible, and I began to panic.

Can he breathe?  What happened?  Did he touch something?  Did he eat something?

And then something even worse happened.

My daughter lost it.  She just sat there and cried and cried and cried.

I felt for her, but, at the moment, we had to take care of Maxwell (and the regime that comes with a horrible allergy attack) and then monitor him closely for about 20 minutes with our epi pens right next to us.  We were debating, do we call my brother, a fire captain and paramedic?  Do we call our brother-in-law, a doctor?  Do we call the Polish emergency number 1-1-2?  Do we ride it out?

Who knows if we made the best choice, but we made a choice that we felt was best.

And while Maxwell slowly started to improve, Adelyne started to dis-improve.  She melted.  Literally melted.

She climbed in my lap like a small child would and crumpled against my chest.  No matter how many times we tried to assure her that Maxwell was fine, she seemed unable to breathe peacefully.

And that’s when I got to the heart of her panic.

Laying flat against my chest with her legs curled up into my lap she said through her tears, “Do you know what it’s like to have your brother almost die on you?”

No.  She wasn’t talking about his allergy attack (as severe as it was), she was talking about when no one knew if Maxwell was going to live or die when he was a baby.

In the midst of something sad but not so extraordinary (although I don’t take allergic reactions lightly, especially with my nutty son), the past came back in a rush to my daughter, and I could tell the future will continue to hold a lot of healing.

And while we have epi pens for our son Maxwell, dealing with the heart of Adelyne may require a different kind of medicine.  Called time.  Love.  And lots of hugs.

Now, to end on a funny note.  As Adelyne was super sentimental about Maxwell’s horrible allergy reaction, she just wanted to cuddle her precious baby brother.

Max, on the other hand, kept kicking her away and tackling her and shouting, “Noooooo!”

Yes.  This did eventually make the waterworks worse.

But, truly, isn’t that what brothers are for?!

 

Homeschooling is not for the weak. Or faint of heart.

I am not a homeschooling mom, and, yet, here (in Poland) I find myself just that—a homeschooling mom. Or, as I call it, an English instructor for my own child.

Problem, you see. Or should I say, “Problems…”?

My daughter knows it all. Well, at least that’s what she tells me with every lesson I sit down to instruct 😉

Okay, okay. She’s not that bad.  All the time.  The other part, it pretty much goes like that.

And, ironically, I have taught for about 8 years in actual schools.  Teaching over 250 students (middle school and elementary school).  You would think that would give me a bit o’ cred, but it doesn’t.

Sigh.

Funny thing, too.  It doesn’t matter if you are preparing a day’s lesson for 1 student or 30 students, it still takes the same amount of time.  Realizing that once again.  Yikes.  It’s called lots o’ work.

Homeschooling, it’s not my cup of java, but it’s where I find myself in life.  And we are surviving.  Decently well, too, I must add.  I must, however, reiterate…Homeschooling is not for the faint.  It’s not for the weak.  It’s not for the pushover.  Boy howdy…homeschooling is for the tough mother!

And, sometimes, I think I need to get tougher, but we’re off to a good start!  Well, at least we’re off to a start.

I’ve got to be thankful to God that I have a good student.  Even if she knows everything (smile and wink).

Student:  Adelyne

Age:  8

Grade that she is starting this 2014-2015 school year:  3

Years of School in Poland:  Preschool (2 years, 1/2 of a year taught by her Momma), Kindergarten (1 year), 1st Grade (1/2 a year)

Years of School in Arizona, USA:  1st Grade (2nd half), 2nd Grade (from start to finish)

Book she is currently reading:  Remarkable by Lizzie K. Foley

So, along the way of instructing my child at home, I am learning the ins and outs of HOW MUCH I appreciate teachers.  When I taught, it was easy for me to correct a student’s work and hand it back to him or her with correction and tell them to watch for future mistakes.  With my own, it’s like pulling teeth trying to get her to believe me that, despite the sound of it, goes is spelled G-O-E-S and not gose.  If I was her teacher in America, I’d tell or show her once, she’d sit with wide eyes and a nodding head, and then she’d try with all her might not to do it again.  Perhaps I am exaggerating a bit, but she did constantly tell me, “Mrs. Boyd knows EVERYTHING!”  I loved her teachers in America.

Alas, we are not in America, so I am doing my best to do right by my Ada Girl and learn her her English abroad.  Oh my, you may shake your head and grunt…

But, overall, I think she is doing well.  I am trying.  She is trying.  We are surviving.  Our last unit was Ramona the Pest.  Our next is Arizona.  After that it’s Storks in Poland.  And, of course, she’ll have her quizzes and reviews and book report on Remarkable when she’s done with that.  Halfway through as we speak and reading it on the couch right now.

Really, it is fun.

In the meantime, I need to figure out how to throw spelling tests in the midst of all of this.

Oh, and she does learn Polish and French outside of my classroom—phew!  I don’t think I would do the best job of those here.  Haha!

Enjoy the photos, and look below for comments on ideas, frustrations, or web sites I used along the way.

We are working on writing, obviously.  And what’s more fun than writing letters hoping that friends write back?!  And it is a good way for me to gauge her spelling along the way, as well as her grammar usage.  Like, “Every day me and my family go swimming in the lake…”  I was able to tell her that if she dropped “family” how does, “me go swimming in the lake” sound?!  She thought that was pretty funny.  I did too.

With Ramona the Pest, there are a million study guides out there, so I found a couple I liked and combined them.  Here are a couple of her comprehension questions from the book and answers.  She also tested on the book at the end on this site:  Book Adventure.  Since we can’t AR Test from home, we simply use the AR Book Finder to figure out the grade level they assign the books and the words in the books.  We keep a separate book for Adelyne that keeps track of that information.  Then, if the book is on the above site, she takes the final comprehension test on it.  It has quite a few tests.  So I am pleased.  To date she has read over 100,000 words and counting.  She’s my little reader.  I especially like how the above site (Book Adventure) keeps track of the tests she does take.  That’s nice for sure!

For vocabulary, I used several words suggested in one study.  I had her look up their definitions all high tech style and all (on the computer—Merriam-Webster online).  She had to figure out which definition was used in the book, the part of speech it was, and then rewrite the definition in her own words.  It was a bit hard, the last part.  But then she was able to choose 3 of the vocabulary words and use them correctly in sentences of her own.  So even though defining them in her own words was hard, at least I could see that she understood their meanings when she wrote her sentences.

Instead of writing a formal book report at the end of her book, she chose to make a game.  Here is the final result…Well, nearly the final result.  You’ll see us playing the game in a minute.  Her game had to be centered around the book.  Her characters/game pieces were characters from the book:  Howie, Danny, Ramona, Beezus, and Susan.  Her cards for moving were based on questions she came up with from the book, and her board centered around one of the activities from the book:  Halloween.  She had to create rules for the game that made sense.  This got frustrating as she wanted to skimp out on creating true rules.  After we both pulled our hair, she came up with 4 rules, and she had to pre-write them, edit her mistakes, and rewrite them in NICE handwriting.  Sometimes it is very hard being a mommy-teacher.  But she did it, and she did a fantastic job!  I guess it’s hard being a daughter-student, too.

Here are the rules and game pieces:

And, finally, here we are playing the game.  It was actually very fun.  We did have to add a few more move forward cards while playing.  Overall, however, it was a great first success and you could tell she read and understood the book.  Just FYI, the game that she made took about 20-25 minutes for 3 of us to play when the babies (our 2-year-old and 6-month old) were in bed.  It was a great end of the evening for sure!

Hope you enjoyed the unit and maybe picked up a few ideas for your own school at home!

In the meantime, I have most definitely been reminded how hard homeschooling is.  Yikes.  Like I said, it’s not for the faint of heart.  But I do look forward to our next unit which will include more social studies and science bits and pieces.

I’ll keep you updated as we go…

A post about cooking in Poland will follow.  But not for a few days, as we head to the oldest Polish city this weekend as we join them for church there.  Where’s that, you may ask.  Why KALISZ!

Perhaps Adelyne will do a unit on that, too.

Oh, and we (Ada and I) are about to embark on writing and illustrating a book together.  Can’t wait for that unit, too.

Much love for now.  And, as Maxwell (the 2-year-old) would say, as he has learned in French, “A-be-ben-to!”  (Also known to the rest of you as “A bientot!”)

See you later…And, please, leave ideas and comments below on how to help this mother out 😉

Big kisses (3 for Poland) and an American hug (from me)!

 

When your husband is wrong…again!

Ugh!  It makes me sooooo angry.

That’s right, folks!

My inner-wife monster comes out.

I knew it all along.

I should have done the cake mix 1 box at a time and NOT tried to double the recipe like my husband suggested to save time.

Now I have completely DRY…let me reemphasize that…D.R.Y. cupcakes.  All because of my husband.

THAT MAN!

Yes, I said it.  In cyberspace.  THAT MAN!

UGH!

What’s that, Richard?

Did I add the water?

The box didn’t say to add water.  I’ll prove it to you…(digging through disgusting trash to stick it to him)

See!

Uh…

Did I say, “When your husband is wrong…again?!”  I meant to say, “When your husband’s WIFE is wrong…again!”

Sigh.

Happy 8th birthday, Sweet Adelyne.  Hope you like your dry cupcakes.

Blame Mommy for that one.

Oops (Walk of Mommy shame—Daddy, of course, standing tall.  Proud as a peacock and smiling away while waiting for his.  You guessed it.  Apology!)

XO always to you, my Richard, for putting up with me 😉

Eight is Great!

Alex the Lion nibbles on Adelyne…

Today was amazing—from the sounds of it on my Skype call with Rich.  They landed in Joburg late Monday night.  So today was their first day to start to explore…

Their explorations started with a trip to a lion park.  Anyhow…the cubs you could handle and hug and pet and play with.  One particular cub, Alex the Lion, really took to Ada…and her clothes.  In the video Richard sent me (that I can’t seem to upload here…bummer), I can’t tell if she is pleased or annoyed.  But her daddy said that later in the day all she could talk about was how fun it was to hold Alex the Lion!

And then they made their way to the “lion walk” with the 1-yr-old lions.  Ummm…The guide gave Rich strict instructions to “Keep Adelyne Close!”

Rich said it was a GOOD thing he did.  As soon as they entered, he said the lions got down on their haunches and began to creep toward her.  I guess she is more “bite sized” eh?  But the closer Richard got to Adelyne, the more intimidated they were, and they backed away.  I guess he is still too big of a meal for 1-yr-old lions.  Roar!

After the lion park, they headed to their game park where they’re staying for two days.  They got to swim, go on a night safari, and eat outside under oil lanterns!

Man…can we say, “Momma be jealous”?  I can!

During the night safari, the guide tossed food to the crocs…Rich said the water became a ripple of activity.  It was fascinating.  And then during the Safari drive, they actually spotted White Rhinos!  One even had a baby.  Rich said a tusk of another was a good 2+ feet in length.  Amazing!

What does Adelyne hope for in the next two days?  Adelyne hopes to get close enough to a giraffe to ride its back.

What a crazy explorer she’ll make—She should’ve been stranded in the movie Swiss Family Robinson.

Anyhow, it was a short but awesome Skype convo between me and my man.

Tomorrow they get to become like the cowboys of the National Geographic.  They are joining a “round up”!  True that. (Why am I going all old school talk on you all, I don’t know…Jet lag?  Oh wait.  I didn’t go anywhere 😉 )

Back to the “round up”.  I guess that there are too many animals on one reserve, so the helicopters will come and herd the animals into different crates to be taken to wider, more open spaces.  Just like Marty’s dream in Madagascar, eh?  Wide, open spaces!

I think that Rich is as excited about this next one as Adelyne!  There is a bit of AZ cowboy in him ready to go all “Yeehaw” on the zebras’ behinds.

Anyhow…One more day of South African exploring before they head into Botswana for a multi-day joyful wedding celebration.

I’ll keep you as updated as I myself am 🙂  (which means not too terribly updated).

Hugs for now…And lion kisses…Much like those Alex the Lion gave Adelyne.

Munch.  Munch!

Catch my breath…off she goes!

Today as I am snotting and sobbing and sobbing and snotting, my daughter is hunching her shoulders and rolling her eyes.

She is clearly embarrassed.  Me.  I’m oblivious to any eyes around me—well, except for the airport security guard.  I was a pretty big scene.  But I was hoping he sees exchanges like this often.  If not, then I’ll make for a good “story of the day” when he goes home.

Anyway—no matter how much I clutched onto her little 7-year-old frame and cried on top of her head, she had to pull away (I think she pulled away a little too gladly) and cross that threshold into adventure—and mommy-less-ness.  She left me alone.

Well, I still have my bouncy belly.  I still have my 1-year-old.  So I guess I’m not truly alone.

But I kept waving at her anyway, as if she HAD left me alone. “Bye, baby!  I love you!”

If I thought her eyes were rolling before, she was now verbally adding to the eye roll, “Moooooom!  I am NOT your baby!”

And through my snot and tears and wiping my nose, I replied, “You were my first baby!  I’ll always love you!”

Good grief…The 7-year-old could not get away from me fast enough!  She gladly followed her daddy down the security gangplank and walked out of my sight.

But I stayed glued to that sliver of a window that they allow for family left behind.  And every time I spied her I hollered, “Adelyne!  I love you!”  And 50 air kisses and 50 I-Love-You hand motions would follow.

Even behind the glass it appeared as if I embarrassed her.

Ah well.  At least my husband was with her.  And he was glad to throw me 50 kisses back and 50 more I-Love-You hand signals.

And, when he gave her that look, “You better appease your Momma” look, she reluctantly blew me a few kisses (I think I got 3) and one I-Love-You hand motion back.

Then they were gone.

But that didn’t stop me 🙂

Oh heavens no!  They still had to make it to the plane.

So on the phone I go, “Adelyne!  Adelyne!  I love you.  Are you having fun?  Will you miss me?”

And I hear her sigh.

But that’s okay, because I’ll interpret it as a “loving” sigh-although I know I’m fooling myself.

You see—as much as I sometimes hate to admit it.

My daughter is me.

And I am her.

She is ready for a life of adventure.  And, yes, she’ll miss me—but she’s also HAPPY to be leaving me behind.  If only for a little while.

It courses through her veins.  And she has that itch.

I had the same itch.

And it brought me to a university away from home (at least for a year—until I returned home and met a handsome man ;)).

Today may only be about a month-long-adventure.  Africa (South Africa and Botswana), Norway, and Poland…But, for me, today is about the first day of the rest of her life.

Because I see her.  I know her.  I was her.

I was once 7.  I was once 18.  I was once also able to go, freely, into the world…Sighing as my own mom hugged me tight and snotted and sobbed and sobbed and snotted.

But that’s okay.  Because if I know her…like I know me…life will be an adventure.  But I will always be her home!

After all, I am her momma.  And she is my baby!

Forever my baby she’ll be…

Poznan, Poland

My Nose Ring was NOT a Good Idea…And we got a puppy.

(c. photo Hel Ka Photography)

Have you ever tried to compensate for something missing in your life?  For example, when Richard and I were struggling through infertility, I got a rabbit. This rabbit ruled the roost.  Literally.  I let this rabbit, named Sylvester, run wild.  It had free reign of our home…Of our balcony…Of our couch cushions—which it gnawed to smithereens…Of our electrical cords—which in turn had their revenge on Sylvester-shocking him 4 feet off the ground (Don’t worry—no bunny was hurt in that revenge.  Well, maybe temporarily).  This rabbit was my compensation for no children. When Adelyne arrived in our lives, rainbows abounded, the sun sang to us with its rays, birds chirped melodious tunes.  Life was so complete.  Life was so beautiful.  Life was richer than we had ever imagined. And Richard and I were completely content.  For nearly 5 glorious years of Adelyne’s life, we had more joy in our souls and family than imaginable. We had no idea, however, that life could get grander than Adelyne…That is, until we experienced Sam. When I first thought I was pregnant, neither my husband nor I believed it.  But after I saw two little pink stripes—I knew!  My husband took the rest of the day to let it sink in.  But, by the end of the day, I had a beautiful bouquet of flowers and our daughter dancing around the room at the news of her impending sibling. Let me say, the entire reason we were given our second baby is because I had a daughter that for two entire years of her life PRAYED faithfully for this sibling. Notice I said my daughter prayed.  I did not.  You see, Adelyne was miraculous enough.  I never thought God would grant us a second.  So I became content with my family and did not ask God for more.  And, despite my lack of faith, my daughter said, “I want to pray for a brother!”  And so, from the age of 3, she prayed.  Nightly.  Faithfully.  Beautifully.  Truly, I admired her great faith-even though I had none of my own. And, sure enough, 2 years after she started faithfully praying, God gave us our 2^nd most amazing miracle.  Our Baby Sam. When I was pregnant with Adelyne I was in great shape.  I had no pain.  I had no complications.  The girl hung out in my belly for 42 weeks.  I went bike riding pregnant, rode alligator boats, swam with Manta Rays, was stung by a jelly fish, jumped off a mountain in Austria (jumped off a mountain before I knew I was 6 weeks pregnant) and off a 30-foot platform too (again-before I knew I was 6 weeks pregnant).  And through all of Adelyne’s belly adventures, I had the most gloriously easy pregnancy known to man. When my pain began with Sam, I was astonished.  But the pain was unmistakable.  And then the contractions began.  The bleeding was daily.  Through it all, the baby kept growing.  The doctors became confident that we were making it—although painfully—through the first trimester and would make it to the finish line. So when I woke up that morning—full of energy, without the need to run to the bathroom, and not starving my guts out—I knew.  I knew my baby that my daughter had prayed for years—My baby that I had fought so painfully hard for—My baby was gone. I went to the doctor the next day and received the beautiful picture—and the tragic news.  My baby was curled up with beautiful toes and a hand reaching to the sky.  But there was no heartbeat. I had never before in my life experienced such heart wrenching and hollow pain.  I curled up inside of myself.  I would lie in a dark room for hours at a time.  And I wondered if the pain would ever go away. And I told my husband to let me be.  I needed to grieve.  And he did.  He allowed me my grief. And my daughter—what could I do for her?  Her very being was crushed.  She cried for months after.  We lost our baby in the summer.  But one wintery and snowy day when I was picking her up from school, she started crying as I was putting her in the car. “Why, Momma?  Why doesn’t God give me a brother?” And she cried.  And she cried.  And she cried. I couldn’t even start the car.  The two of us sat in the car, and, despite the snow outside, we sat there and cried.  And we allowed our pain to reveal itself deeply in the car, in the parking lot, of her school. And that’s okay.  Because pain needs to be felt.  Pain needs to be shared.  Pain needs to be relieved. But what could I do? I couldn’t give Adelyne what she wanted most—and so I did something for her. I got her a puppy. You know, to replace her sibling.

Does it really? No.  But that is what many of us do in life. We try to replace our pain with something else. For some, it’s alcohol.  For others, it’s eating.  For many men, it’s pornography.  For too many, it’s seeking love from the wrong places.  Others it’s shopping.  The list goes on. Compensation for pain is very real.  And it’s what I did.  With a puppy. As we headed into our second year of our loss, and our pain lessened, and our lives went on…I did two things to compensate for what my heart truly desired: First, I went car shopping—looking at a sporty little convertible (no—not a good idea for a freezing country like Poland).  We even took it on test drives.  At least I had fun, eh?! And secondly…I got a nose ring. Yep, an honest to goodness nose ring. Now, let me tell you…I am a HUGE fan of nose rings.  They.Are.Awesome…in my opinion.  And, I finally felt like—Hey!  This is something I can do.  This is a way that I can have a bit of control over my life—I can pierce my nose. I know.  I know.  But, again, like I said—we all try to compensate somehow…in some way…for something we have no control over.  And a nose ring was my way. Let me also share—getting your nose pierced in Poland is the MOST EXCRUCIATINGLY PAINFUL EXPERIENCE OF YOUR LIFE! The lady, in the little city next to our little village, said, “Lie back!”  And then she started the SLOW process of the Stone Age’s way of inserting a nose ring—she started screwing it through my nose. My sister-in-law, here in the States, has a nose ring.  I just found out that there is a FAR faster way to get said ring—and it’s called a nose ring gun.  Yep.  Didn’t have that.  Had the hammer and chisel way to go about getting what I could control. Talk about PAINFUL control, eh?!  Yep.  But, in the end, I had what I had control over—a nose ring!  And I loved it.  Or at least I thought I loved it. How, then?  How was your nose ring “snot” a good idea? Well—life is great at throwing us the unexpected. Just as my husband and I were preparing to fly a social worker out from Germany to Poland for a home visit so that we could start the process of adoption, we saw the most glorious two lines!  A positive pregnancy test…It is now eleven years into our marriage. This time, however, my heart smiled—but in smaller measure.  This time, however, we kept it a secret.  This time, however, we approached with great fear.  Not great rejoicing. And…all of our worst nightmares began to reveal themselves.  Pain.  Bleeding.  Cramping. And, so we did what many of us also do in life—we threw the “Hail Mary” pass.  We called up our families and said, “Please!  We’re pregnant and it’s not going well. PLEASE pray for us!” Friends, let me share now…Yes, sometimes touchdowns are scored on the Hail Mary pass—but God would ALWAYS prefer us to come immediately before his throne.  Don’t wait to seek His face.  Come first—and bring along your prayer warriors. Our families…they immediately responded to our pleas.  Prayer became intercessory around the clock for us, around the world, on behalf of our baby. But, despite the prayers—despite the support—despite it all…Fear became present in my very being.  In my core.  In my soul. The pain did not subside.  The cramping did not subside.  The bleeding did not subside. I did what any normal human would do—I cried.  A lot. And that’s when I realized that my nose ring was definitely “snot” a good idea. Here I was fighting for the life of my baby…crying…and snotting.  And so something had to go. I had to let go of the ONE thing that I had control over—my nose ring. I had no control over my body. I had no control over my baby. But I had control over the 1 thing that I got to exercise control—my nose ring. Isn’t it funny how in life we sometimes have to relinquish the one thing we have control over? And that’s how I went from awesomely cool momma with a nose ring (okay, that’s my opinion of myself) to fighting momma with a hole in my nose. I’ve learned a lot in my 37, going on 38, years of my life, and I’d like to share them with you. We have many desires in life.  Sometimes, we are freely granted the desires of our hearts.  Other times, we lose the desires of our hearts.  And, on occasion, we go through hell to get the desires of our hearts. But compensation for desires never fulfills your very heart.  Your very soul.  Your very being.  And, so, Friends, I leave you with this… When you are in pain—cry. When you are afraid—seek help. When you need to be alone—be. When you need a friend—tell them. When you need a hug—receive. But always, always, always go about your life with God. Compensation will never fill the void.  But God will always be there.

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I have found an article that I think beautifully states how we need to be very aware of how we speak to someone that has lost a child.  Please take the time to read “Why Miscarriage Matters When You are Pro-Life”.  It compares how Pro-Lifers react to abortion and how some of the very same people react to miscarriage.  It gently shares that many have the mentality, “one is a tragedy the other is a blessing”.

Both are losses.  Enjoy the read:

http://thelewisnote.blogspot.com/2014/02/why-miscarriage-matters-if-youre-pro.html?m=1